Balls2That Audio Adaption

I am a big fan of Luke Mckay (the artist popularized by the Rooster Teeth comics). I thought that it would be both fun and awesome to do an audio adaption of his own webcomic, "Balls2That," which you can read here: http://www.balls2that.com/
But in order to make this good and do justice to the source material, I need good voice actors to help me in this venture.

Now this audio adaption will be uncensored, meaning there will be lots of swears and crude, sometimes mature humor (if the name Balls2That didn't give you a clue). This means, if you are younger than 15 or if you do not like swearing YOU MAY NOT ENTER.

The characters:

Mains:

Balls (male) (Precast to myself)

Mustard (female) Her relationship with Balls is ambiguous in nature( sometimes they're dating, sometimes, sometimes, they're friends,a lot of the time she just plain hates him). I'm looking for a medium-low to medium-high 20-30 year old voice. No accent.
Audition Lines:
1- "Although I enjoy your childish humor, I'm a big girl now. I can feed myself."

2- "You know what I love about you?... No. Wait. That didn't come out right... You know what I HATE about you?"

3- "The landlord hit on me in the elevator. So creepy."

Minor:

The Colonel (female) She is the HMFIC of the army. She has a very stern, serious (medium-medium low 30-40 year old voice) way of speaking most of the time. Either no accent or a southern accent.

Audition Lines:
(Say these lines as serious as you can without any sarcasm)
1- "I wouldn't have called you in if it wasn't completely neccessary Agent Balls."

2- "We're sending you, "Prince Charming" here to intercept "The Dragon."

The Sarge (male) The HMFIC when the colonel isn't around. He is also stern and serious (meduim to low 35-45 year old voice) and isn't one to take any crap. Southern accent (or just immitate Sarge from Red vs Blue).

Audition Lines
1- (serious, kind of in pain)"Well ma'am, you know how we have that don't ask don't tell policy? Well the enemy doesn't have that..."

2- (annoyed, stern, almost shouting) "Private! I told you to build a retaining wall, not play video games."

Doctor (male) Mustard's boss. The typical male doctor. (medium to low) Either no accent or immitate any TV drama doctor (I don't watch any hospital shows so IDK)

Audition Lines:

1- (like you're diagnosing someone) "I think he's depressed. I'm going to have to prescribe him to some Prozac."

2- (cheerfully) "How's my favorite patient today?"

Sub-Characters (the ones that only appear in one comic)

The Genie. (male) An omnipotent genie who grants Balls' hearts desire. (low voice) No accent.

Audition Line- "For freeing me you may have THREE wishes."

The Convict. (male) A tall, overweight prisoner. Try to sound kind of nerdy, but not too nerdy (don't try to crack your voice). Medium-low. (No accent)

Audition Line- "It's been so long since I got to play anything. I'd even settle for Superman 64."

Chantell. (female) A friend of Balls. No accent. Meduim to high.

Audition Line- "No problem. I hope you were able to find a good use for it."

The new mom. Has just delivered a baby. No accent. Medium-high to high)

Audition Line- (excited) "Doctor, thank you. You're a miracle worker."

Billy. A school boy on the playground. (medium high to high). Sounds like a little boy.

Audition Line- (frightened. like a little boy looking at a gun) "I don't know. Daddy said not to touch those."

Little girl. A friend of Billy's. (high) Sounds like a little girl.

Audition Line- (tattling) Playground lady! Billy shot somebody with a gun!"

Crazy Old man. Old uber-religious homeless man. (medium low to low) Sounds old. Any accent is fine. Just sound old.

Audition Line- "Get right with God you heathens."

Trekkie. (female) A heavyset Star Trek fan. (medium to medium high) Southern accent or just really nerdy.

Audition line- (happy) "Forget your fancy-schancy videogames. Pinball is the ultimate game."

Soldier (male). Just a soldier. Sound serious. (medium to low) No accent or southern. Whichever you think fits.

Audition line- (serious, a little panicy but still stern) "How far off are they, private Balls?"

Man. (...male...) A friend of Balls'. Medium to medium low (20-30 year old). Any accent.

Audition line- (okay I know this is bad but try to say this as straight and serious as possible. he's reading a valentine that Balls wrote for a friend) "Roses are red, violents are blue, your cat chewed on my dick for a little bit, but I didn't know how to tell you."

Raven. (male or female. dont care which) Just a raven. I dont have a preference for this voice. Sound like a bird i guess.

Audition line- "Nevermore."

Old lady. A lady being robbed by Balls. (medium to high) Sound old. No accent.

Audition Line- (scared) "Oh my!"

Samaritan. (male) A good samaritan. (meduim to low.) Any accent.

Audition line- (heroic) "I'll help you ma'am!" (Then kinda yelp like you've just been shot. Dont scream. Just yelp.)

Pool Shark. (male) Luke Mckay's answer to Fonzie. (meduim high to medium low). New York accent or better yet, just immitate Fonzie from Happy Days.

Audition line- (serious, like you're challenging someone) "Hey, you're that guy who's been beating every pool shark in town."

Propecia. An angry blck woman. I know this sounds very racist, but sound like an angry black woman.

Audition line- (serious, stern) "Paul MaCartney killed that mother fuckah."

The squire. (male) Balls' young squire. (meduim high to high) Heavy english accent.

Audition line- "Sir Balls. The king requests you in Jerusalem."

Kung Fu Master. (male) Balls' kung fu teacher. (medium to low) Old, wise asian accent (like Mako...R.I.P.)

Audition Line- "You think you can snatch the pebble from my hand after one day of training?"

Boxing Announcer. (male) A boxing announcer. Let's get-a Ready to Rumble! (medium to low) Any accent.

Audition Line- "Touch gloves, go to your corners and come out fighting."

Theatrical Announcer. (male) A dramatic announcer for film or saturday morning action cartoons. (low) No accent. Any echo effect may be cool but you dont need it.

Audition Line- "Agent Balls is back in: Risperidone Nights! ACTION! DRAMA! ROMANCE!"

Butt Elf 1 (male) An elf that lives in Balls' butt. (medium to high) No accent or english accent.

Audition Line- "She never wants to talk to us..."

Butt Elf 2 (male) Another elf that lives in Balls' butt (medium to medium high) No accent or english accent.

Audition line. "We live in an ass...even I don't wanna talk to us..."

The other details:

Format: Stereo or mono Wav or Mp3 (prefferably mp3 since it's smaller, but I can work with both)
GOOD MIC QUALITY!
For bulk auditions, please zip your files into a folder to save space. (.zip is fine. .rar is not.)

Send your auditions to: shadowflarex@sbcglobal.net or you can audition live with me on skype (AMTRAX91).

First Deadline: Friday December 18

Second Deadline (if i dont get enough auditions or if I just can't find the right one): Friday January 8

This will be a youtube video with the audio playing over the comic.

If you get a part: you must add me on skype for line direction.
If you do not get a part: please don't whine.